Monthly Archives: October 2017

Monkeying Around with Others’ History

PublishedOctober 7, 2017 Post authortorino

If you want to read something truly laughable, you should read “The History Files”, an amusing set of descriptions of various tribes in Europe.

Based on a review of this pseudo-history site, an inescapable conclusion is that a pair of retarded monkeys with a history fetish could have put together a more accurate and honest description of Europe’s past.

The reader should be already alerted by the fact that for a history of Poland, the only thing that is cited is a work by one M. Ross of Durham (!) from 1835: A History of Poland from its Foundation…

The thing is put out by a one man shop out of Taunton in the UK.

Here are some pearls from the site:

“Poland occupies a large area of Central Europe bordering the southern Baltic Sea. Its history is a long one, covering several Bronze Age and Iron Age cultures, the latter of which saw the settlement of Belgic groups [!] who became collectively known as the Venedi, settling along the east bank of the Vistula.”

Did you know that the Venedi were “Belgic”? (The source for this is unclear but I assume that it must be Strabo who thought the Veneti of Vannes to be a Belgic tribe and, perhaps, the Adriatic Veneti but 1) that should make you think about who the Belgae really were and 2) Strabo said nothing at all about the Vistula Veneti). There are tons of “Venetic” names throughout Europe – all you have to do is look at Ptolemy.

Or this:

“the last two centuries BC Germanic settlement from Scandinavia formed minor (tribal) states on the southern Baltic coast and west bank of the Vistula. Of these, the Buri and Lugii occupied areas of southern Poland,”

Did you know that the Buri and Lugi were Germanic? No? No problem, now you do.

But the most amusing thing is this:

“The Late Bronze Age Lusatian culture … covered all of modern Poland with extensions into modern Czechia [!] and Slovakia, north-western Ukraine, and areas of central eastern Germany and eastern Pomerania… the Lusatian evolved directly into the subsequent Pomeranian culture. The ethnic composition of the Lusatian people is questionable, but they would have pre-dated the arrival of Germanics into the region.”

Here is a hint:

The Lusatians were the Veneti

So what happened?

Pre-Lusatian > Lusatian = Venetic = Suevic > Slavs

That said, it is probably true that some people really did crawl out of the Pripet Marshes. You can tell who they are by the fact that they think they are Slavs and since their ancestors did crawl out of the marsh, so, too, must have the Slavs.

Lesson learned:

when they arrived on Slavic doorstep, still dripping with Pripet’s marsh goo, the Suavs should have just given them the Saint Adalbert treatment.

Metz’s Troubles

Published Post authortorino

Speaking of Metz, thanks to Maciej for reminding me of this. I did want to mention the Slavic incursion of 1009 but the whole topic slipped my mind. Thietmar says this:

“Ecclesia namque una, quae extra Metensem stabat civitatem, et congregatio ibidem (Deo) serviens a Sclavis Deum non timentibus vastatur.””

Pertz claimed in the MGH that, “not so”, that these were Northmen. He then points to Alpert as proof and indeed Alpert does mention attacks of the Northmen. Problem is that he does not provide any dates.

The only dating comes from Sigebert of Gembloux’s Universal Chronicle. But he does not say that the Northmen invaded Metz. Rather he only mentions Northmen in Frisia in 1009 – though Frisia is aways from Metz.

And remember the attacks happened about 1009. Here are the dates when the three characters involved lived:

Sigebert circa 1030 – 1112
Alpert ? – 1024
Thietmar – 975 – 1018

So it seems that the oldest contemporary here was Thietmar whereas Sigebert wasn’t even alive in 1009. Alpert must have been but he did not tell us when the Northmen ravaged Metz. He does say that Henry subdued the Winidi. It is also possible that both Slavs and Northmen raided Metz and Frisia that year.

Alpert’s Interesting Times

PublishedOctober 1, 2017 Post authortorino

Alpert of Metz (died 1024) was a Benedictine chronicler of the eleventh century. His De diversitate temporum (On the Diversity of the Times, which really means something like On Our Interesting Times) is a major source for the history of Western Europe (particularly for France, Western Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands) in the period it covers (990 to 1021).

In the book Alpert makes a very brief mention of the Slavs who fought Henry II. This could refer to the Veleti but also the Poles or Bohemians – or to all of them as Alpert speaks of multiple kings of the Winnidi:

Of the Reign of Henry [II]
Book I
Chapter 5

“But as soon as the most noble Henry took dominion, this place [the monastery] was brought back to its former state. Many exquisite things may be written by us about this man: how easily did, by God’s grace, he reach the peaks [highest position] of the kingdom; how through a quick victory, he compelled the surrender of famous and very mighty men, who had [previously] started wars against him; how he subjugated and made tributary to him kings in the interior of Germany who are called Winnidi; how he besieged for several years and almost completely destroyed Metz, a town in Lorraine that had been angering him for a long time, and [how he] finally after doing a lot of damage subjugated it. But because lord Adelbold, the bishop of Utrecht described all of this beautifully in a book, we have believed that [in describing] the part [of the narrative] that now necessarily comes to [the fore] in our work, we need to go further beyond [Adelbold’s version] so as to avoid a work of history, that is [otherwise] so full of important and that beautiful lessons, becoming muddled through us as if by a foolish pawn.“

De Henrico rege

Ubi vero Heinricus summa rerum potitus est, iterum locum illum in priorem statum reduxit. Multa praeclara de hoc viro nobis scribenda sufficiunt: quam facile gratia Dei donante ad apicem regni pervenerit, qualiter illustres viros et summae potentiae, bella adversum se concitantes, celeri victoria in deditionem venire coegerit, qualiter reges in interioribus Germaniae partibus, qui sunt Winnidi vocati, suae dicioni tributarios effecerit, et Mettim in Belgis diu contra se male cogitantem, et compluribus annis obsessam, pene ad interitionem vastaverit, et tandem multis incommodis illatis sibi subegerit; set quia domnus Adelboldus Traiectensis episcopus haec omnia pleniter in uno volumine luculento sermone comprehendit, a nobis pars quae aliquando nostris scriptis necessario occurritt praetereunda visa est, ne historia tantis et tam venustis documentis edita a nobis tanquam ab insipientis latratu obfuscaretur.